Day 24: After Midnight

It’s been a topsy-turvy day. Temperatures dropped rapidly and triggered my fibromyalgia, like what am I, a weather station? So today I’ve been stupidly tired. Then I broke down, so much sorrow. And then it was in the middle of the night and I still had a painting to do.

“After Midnight”, 8×8 inches or 20×20 centimeter acrylic painting on canvas.

I’m so sleepy I’m painting with one eye closed. I keep finding myself squinting like a pirate and telling myself “I’m almost done”. I was already about to post the so called final version when I had this strong feeling that lanterns of some kind were missing. Below you see the version before the lanterns.

Just need to post this to the 30 paintings in 30 days challenge blog and then to facebook and then I can stop being a pirate and close both eyes and sleep.

PS: These creatures often show up in my paintings when I paint at night. Should I be concerned?

Day 23: A Dark and Stormy Night

I had this vision of a colourful scene and a woman dancing in a red dress, so I picked up my brush.. and this came out.

I guess it fits my general state of being better. Everything’s a bit hazy and dusky, the wind blows and I don’t know what will come. But oh well. Might be good stuff. Those people down there might be wizards and everything will be fine. Or it might not. Hard to tell in this dusk.

Might decide to work on the foreground a bit more to enhance the distance effect, I’ll see how it feels in the morning.

Day 22: When Doves Cry

At 5:13 pm today I got a flash of what I wanted my next painting to be. However, after attending a classical concert and getting home past 10 pm I was too exhausted for detail work. Maybe I’ll make it tomorrow. Today we have an abstract instead.

“When Doves Cry”, 8×8 inches or 20×20 centimeter.

Today my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts about strength. I see myself as a strong person and I often end up around people who lean on me for support. That’s fine. But when it comes to finding someone I can spend my life with, the gap can’t be too great. So on my mind today has been strength. How important it is to do what’s right, not according to tradition or values or society, but having the emotional intelligence to know what’s the healthy thing to do rather than the comfortable. It’s not easy to know and it takes time. Still, a lot of people I talk to know what they should do yet they avoid doing it.. because the in-laws will be mean, because somehow they’ll become tolerant of all the things that drive them nuts about the other person, because the other person will surely change now finally, because the sweet memories they had creates a nostalgic forcefield too great to escape, or because what if they can turn back time and magically become people they used to be with needs they used to have. Sometimes it’s a sign there’s one more thing they need to try before facing up to looking at the present with clear eyes. Sometimes it means they’ll spend the rest of their life in comfortable rewardless mediocrity.

So that’s what ran through my mind while splashing paint today. Just the sadness and futility of it all. And me, looking for someone brave, who won’t make excuses forever or settles. I can’t imagine how crap it would feel to be on the receiving end of that, to be with someone who’s with you because they think they don’t deserve better or doesn’t dare change their life. So I’m looking for someone brave who will properly work on a relationship but won’t stay just to make me happy. Honesty hurts but dang, the alternative is worse.

And in the mean while, strong or not, I’m in a dove crying mood tonight. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I was trying to use a paint thinner for acrylics for this painting but I think I grabbed the wrong bottle. I don’t know how it will effects its longevity or the paint. Drats.

Day 21: Astray

It’s a pretty naturalistic day. The meditations I did gave me peace but my heart is a rabbit jumping this way and that..

I’m feeling pretty lost. And I think all I can do about that right now is to accept that and feel it.

Day 20: Reward Waiting

This one kept giving problems. First some colour imbalances, then the leaves and grass were boring, some sort of drama was missing. I remembered I have some bronze paint and voilá, a result that makes me feel something!

So the bronze is a shimmery bronze acrylic paint by Reeves. Where it’s the most concentrated it’s obvious that it shimmers.

Above is the version I was going to finish with but I didn’t feel it. Moments later I was mixing in bronze paint.

On my mind today is the hope that one day all the struggles lead to a shimmery reward.

Day 19: My Kind of Music

This painting started out the way music looks. Hills and valleys of sound and quiet..

..And then I felt the need for colour and water and here we are. It’s on a box canvas (like they all are) and the borders are painted black. I’ll post more pictures once I’m putting them up for sale.

Usually I like my paintings fairly smooth, not very many visible dry strokes, but for this I wanted something rough. It called out to me: rough. And dark. But light. A mixed up kind of day, huh.

Day 18: Patronus

Have you done the Pottermore test to find out your patronus yet? I’ve been meaning to, then I forget, still haven’t gotten around to it but I’m itching to find out!

Another day of no music with painting, instead I was watching a movie about Vincent van Gogh’s life. It inspired me to paint something that felt like me. And this would be it.

Followed a friend to a fine art exhibition today. Rut Bryk’s ceramic works are quite something. I loved her earlier works with strong colours and motifs that reminded me of picture books. At the end of her life she went super geometric, all shapes. It makes me wonder if I’ll evolve into something if I keep painting. Vincent went to a looser even more impressionistic style towards the end too. I wonder if that’s the fate of my mind. How loose will I end up going? Or could the mind go the other way, into extreme details, painting huge worlds with tiny details all in ink like Manabu Ikeda? Or like Sven Nordqvist’s picture books, little critters hiding in the bushes, rooms that look like someone’s actually living there.

(I recommend checking out the artists mentioned by highlighting their name, right clicking and choose “Search Google for..”, or at least that’s how it works in Chrome.)

Now to go find out what my Patronus is.. I might need it in the dark.

Day 17: Spring!

Cards and various spirit messages keep telling me of a spring that will come. And I always sigh and wonder if that’s when I’m 60 or what? I’m getting emails about seeds and bulbs too. I have a whole bunch of seeds to plant, I should start soon. Last year’s summer was so cold that none of the echinacea grew despite my efforts to pre-grow them indoors first.

It’s difficult to capture the in real life colours of this one. It’s 3 am, it’s dark, I’m not sure I’m able to tell what the real colours are right now either. Let’s see what this looks like in the morning.

Day 16: The Fifth Dimension

After a breaking point, for a while all you feel is pain and there seems to be no way out. Last weekend I attended a meditation led by Diana Cooper, I remember how the dragon raised our frequency, we were in a higher dimension so to speak. And in some ways that helps. It doesn’t make up for anything lost. It doesn’t put anything back together. But meditations, dreams, games, painting can be a nice break from it all for a little while.

When I woke up today I fumbled about, thought I’d be able to get straight down to business and get stuff done and in my newly awake state I made the cactus pot fall over. Dirt all over my floor, all over the art supply box, inside the supply box.. Ugh. When I got home, tired from work, I did the same again. I fumbled and the sleeping hyacinth pot I keep in the fridge fell down and spread dirt all inside the fridge, on the floor, into the carpet. I’ll deal with it all tomorrow.

Maybe sometimes that’s the only solution we have. Do what you can and hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 15: For Vincent

All these thoughts about life and death brought me back to the experience of watching the movie Loving Vincent (link: movie trailer). I don’t know if I care for recognition or fortune, but I do want to send enough paintings out into the world so that if reincarnation is true, I could come across something of mine in a later life.

I painted this yesterday without any music on, just another episode of Lucifer (tv series) in the background. I painted it with only a couple of round lights in my mind and this came to be. And when I looked at the finished piece I thought to myself; starry night, Vincent.

After the movie I feel like we have the same heart, feeling inexplicably connected to him and his fate. I’m genderqueer inside so it doesn’t make a difference that he’s a man. It’s much like a feeling of looking at another yourself. I came back from the cinema with the most clear sense of purpose like I had never felt before; my life’s only mission is to paint. I don’t know if I’ll ever be fortunate in love or wealth but I know I need to paint. Death comes for us all. Sometimes that’s a comforting thought, sometimes not so much.

There was only me and some random couple at the cinema that day. The movie moved me to tears many times. I didn’t expect it to make such an impact. Like so much in life, things just hit us, straight to the heart.